B of FQ Blog Post – Jan. 19

Post Date Jan. 19

2020, felt like a scary and intense roller coaster ride that held me captive and wouldn’t let me off. It kept teasing me and led me to believe at times that the ride was over. As soon as I let out a sign of relief, it tightened its grip, took off at full blast, down a steep incline, and then upside down. Over and over again. It was exhausting on so many levels.

I, like many, was relieved for a new year to begin and to leave 2020 in the dust. But I haven’t felt settled. So I decided I needed to reflect on it and put it to rest appropriately. While a new year usually represents a renewal. I think that in order to experience that renewal, you need to clear space for it. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make peace with 2020 and think it would be a missed opportunity not to process it fully and speak to it directly – in the form of a letter.

Might I suggest you do the same? Maybe you need to be mad at it, grieve it, thank it, or use it as an opportunity to better understand yourself and how you got through it.

It took days to write, and it is long, but here it is…

Dear 2020,

Where do I even begin? I feel like you took tumultuous to a whole new level. I’m not even sure the initial shock has worn off for me yet.

I’m angry at you. You packed too much change into such a short period of time.

Our year together was filled with uncertainty, change, chaos, anxiety, loss, sadness, grief, fear, tears, overwhelm, pain, pure exhaustion, regret, challenges, anger, longing, obstacles, heartbreak, stress, frustration, hardships, loneliness, adjustments, etc.

Sometimes the year felt like was a decade long. Other times, it felt like 2 days went by and it was already October.

My wildest imagination could not have dreamed up half of the challenges you presented. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, you kept pouring it on. I felt like every time I said, “What more could possibly happen?” You took it upon yourself to shake my footing a little more. Wildfires, a pandemic, murder hornets, plane crashes, riots, direct threats on my safety, floods, carnivorous rats, earthquakes, locust swarms, stockpiling, mask acne, TP shortages, and much more. My grandma passed away and I couldn’t even attend her funeral because of you! Oh yeah, how could I forget? You also threw a dramatic election into the mix!

Geez, I remember how irritated I was when “polar vortex” became a part of my vocabulary years ago. Now quarantine, lockdown, face masks, and pandemic are words used regularly. I never thought I’d see that in my lifetime.

2020, I feel you proved your point. Maybe you weren’t throwing a tantrum. Maybe you were just trying to teach us all something. Maybe a lot of somethings. You showed the whole world the power that one little thing in life can possess. You showed everyone that while we may feel on pause, life still goes on.

You were a roller coaster for everyone; we all had good days and bad days and difficulty handling the wave of emotions. Some days I was strong and some days I was weak. Some days I was willing to take more risks than others, just for sanity’s sake, and other days I was on complete lockdown. I let that be okay – for myself and others. I didn’t think it was fair to hold people fully accountable to the constantly changing landscape that was 2020.

Some days I used comedy or exercise to get through, some days it was anger, other days it was way too much wine, some days were filled with grief for the things I missed and longed for with the concern, worry, and realization that some things will never be the same again. That’s hard. Life as I knew it completely changed in a matter of months. When it first hit, I gave myself a pep talk about giving up a whole month and staying home. And then it was another month and then another and now here we are almost a year later and the sacrifices and uncertainty continues.

Despite everything you have put me, and the world, through 2020, I have found the good hidden amongst the bad. It turns out, you were not all bad – there were many valuable lessons along the way. In the midst of COVID you taught me that “gratefulness” is the key to happiness. And there were many things to be grateful for and many lessons learned during our time together.

You taught me how to cherish the moments when I was allowed to breathe without a mask on or given the opportunity to hug and kiss the people I love. You taught me to really appreciate what I have. You taught me that being forced to be alone for such a long time gives people the chance to truly figure out who they are, who they want to be, and the people they want to surround themselves with. You taught me how to calculate my own risk tolerance. You taught me that change can be good, even if it is mandatory. You taught me to value the smaller moments and to relish the simple joys in life. You taught me to slow down and understand the value of patience. You taught me to be prepared and how to live in the moment. You taught me to focus on the things that I can control and to find the lesson in everything. You taught me how to monitor my self-talk. You taught me to be vigilant and how to be cautious. You taught me to focus inward on myself. You taught me to slow down, take a breath, and take stock of my life. You taught me to be more present and really cherish the moments and conversations I did have. You taught me how to trust deeply, especially those in my COVID bubble. You taught me how to have faith and to believe in the universe. You taught me to try to let go of perfectionism. You taught me how to shift my mindset. You taught me to really appreciate my health and to not take it for granted. You taught me to never take for granted those small things life gifts to us every day, for we never know when it will all be taken away from us. You taught me how lucky I am to be surrounded by really wonderful people in my life. You taught me what matters most.

In this age of overloaded information and technology you made my efforts more meaningful, focused, and valuable.

You helped me understand the importance of facing life’s challenges and acting accordingly. Every challenge is an opportunity, for many things; including growth, learning, creativity, discovery, gratitude, kindness, soul searching, etc.

You encouraged me to enjoy being home more often than usual. I fell more in love with my house and really found comfort in it as my safety zone. My home became my office, my gym, doggie daycare, my bar, my restaurant, a movie theater, my go-to happy hour spot, my sanctuary, a concert venue, my lounge, a library, my spa, an art gallery, and so much more.

I’ve never appreciated a change of scenery more than I do now. I’m more observant. I feel like nature has come to life and out of hiding and it has been wonderful to witness. I’ve seen more wildlife this year than ever before, including deer, blue jays, turkeys, foxes, eagles, raccoons, cardinals, etc. It’s been glorious. (I’m not sure I’ve actually ever used that word before but it is fitting.)

You really forced me to tap into my creativity. It was fun to think outside of the box for new ways to experience joy and adventure. While many doors were closed, I felt you gave me the opportunity to open my mind.

You helped me prioritize my social needs. I strengthened many relationships and distanced myself from some people. 2020, you were hard enough to endure. I didn’t need people that made things feel harder and more stressful or that put me on the defensive or judged me unfairly without any knowledge or understanding of my situation. I didn’t have the capacity for that. I still don’t. Everyone has had challenges this year and everyone has handled things a little bit differently. That is okay. I think it is extra important to remind ourselves to be open minded and accepting, to not judge, to show grace, be understanding, to show empathy, to be respectful, and to be KIND. To one another and to ourselves.

Looking back, I actually feel like I accomplished a fair amount. I got multiple house projects done, finished my book (now available on amazon), experimented a lot in the kitchen, really embraced nature and being outside, rediscovered my love of camping and biking, binged Netflix like a champ, read a ton of books, deepened many relationships with friends and family, spent quality time with Luna, and I did my first Tik Tok video (LOL). I continued to sell houses and am thankful the real estate market remained strong and I was able to navigate that with all of the restrictions. I was also able to take some trips and to see some friends when restrictions were lifted or relaxed a little.

Despite everything, I was able to create many wonderful memories and that made those moments all the more special and me forever grateful.

I cannot speak for everyone. But, I know that we have all felt this year. We have all felt the lows and the highs and everything in between. But I hope we will learn to live beyond it and grow into something better.

Although I felt alone at times, I think everyone was connected by grace and hope. The grace to be able to live our lives during this pandemic to the best of our ability and the hope that when this comes to an end that there will be a silver lining.

2020 you provided me with one of the most interesting years of my life. You will forever be in my future stories because you certainly are a tale of unusual events. You threw a lot at me and tested me in so many ways. I know I will feel the impact of you for years to come. But I truly learned a lot during our time together.

I guess what I am trying to say is, while you may have been one of the worst years on record, I think in some ways you have also been the most beneficial.

My dear 2020, you have set me free in a way. I’ve come out of this year with a fresh perspective and I plan to look back upon the good things that happened in 2020 and chalk the rest up to learning, living, and moving on.

Instead of focusing on the things I miss, I have reframed it as the things I am so looking forward to in the future: dressing up, hugs, dinner parties, attending closing with my clients, seeing friends, going into the office, seeing family, being in a packed gym class, live music & concerts, the steam room & sauna at the gym, busy & lively bars, game nights, planning things in advance, restaurant experiences (for me more than half of the experience is the atmosphere and the people watching; the food is important but secondary), not having to wear a mask, dancing, traveling abroad, and so much more. I’m not sure when that will happen, and I know I don’t have control over that. But you know what I do have control over? My attitude and mindset and the strength I’ve found in 2020. And I am going to use those to my advantage and face 2021 head on. I want to continue learning and growing with all the pain, emotions, beauty, lessons, failures, and successes that you’ve shown me this year.

This is a bittersweet 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱𝗯𝘆𝗲 my darling, and a 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 for all that you taught me.

Sincerely,

Penelope